A couple weeks ago Joe and I split up. Well I guess you call it that. We are currently still living together but Joe got his own place and moves this weekend.
I think I was in shock for the first week or two and I thought I was ok.
I was disassociated with the whole thing.
And now that he moves this weekend and I have to find my own place I feel empty and broken.
I am mostly already constantly missing Ole. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I know that wherever I am with him I will be home.. But I don't want to ever go a day without seeing him. And I know that he doesn't want to go a day without seeing me. Even if I step outside for a minute he screams. As soon as I re-enter the room he is just beaming with love smiles. How can we do this to him?
I keep saying we didn't try hard enough. Things really aren't/weren't that bad. At least to me they weren't. We are new parents. You lose that connection for a bit because you are in survival mode but you can come back to each other.
Joe is already dating. I don't know if I've felt that one yet.
He is seeing someone. I don't know if that bothers me. I think what I think about that is that maybe he wanted more attention. So he went looking for it and found someone. It makes me think it's my fault for being neglectful and that maybe if I wasn't being neglectful then he would still love me.
But I can't think like that or the pain will be too real.
I keep telling him that maybe we could work on things. This is all happening too fast for me and too fast for Ole. But he doesn't want to listen.
I feel like I'm just screaming for another chance but no sound is coming out.
I feel like I want to tell him I could make him happy again. He could be happy again. But my pride stands in the way. If you don't want me, I don't want to force you to want me. If your new girl makes you happy I want you to be happy.
I'm scared that Ole won't know I am mom. I am scared that Ole won't know how much I love him. I am scared he will think he did something wrong. My eyes sting from holding back tears, my cheeks feel hot and I'm choking on air and anxiety.
I don't want my family to be split up. I don't want to share my baby. I don't want to have no idea where he is or what he is doing.