Monday, April 7, 2014

picture dump!

The past couple weeks our family has been hit by a bad cold virus! We brought Ole to the doctor last friday and he has his first upper respiratory infection. His naturopath whipped him up his first tincture and he seems a bit happier, although still coughing a ton and not sleeping great. It's been hard on the whole family. Now for some pictures!

 Snugglin' my littles when I was the only sick one.

I watched my nephew Jesse last week while my sister was at work. He's such a sweetie and is just learning to walk. Him and Ole wore me out beyond belief. I was still a bit sick, and Ole and Jesse were sick.. It was craziness. Joe said I snored that night. And I never snore! I love this picture of Ole. Shows what a dorky little ham he is.

My sister was off pretty late and Jesse dude started to get tired. I tried rocking him but he motioned for Uncle Joe to rock him. He went out within about 5 mins. It was so sweet. Sometimes you just need your Uncle Joe.

Stinker smile!

Yesterday I was going stir crazy after being in the house sick for a week. I know Ole loves getting out as much as me so we took him to the park and then the fragrance garden. He had a blast and I think the fresh air did us all good.

Feeding yourself is fun!

One of the few things that made my sick boy smile. You can see I'm not feeling too hot here either.
Ole at the doctor. I like this picture of him because he looks like such a grown up little kid playing with the little kid toys!

Ole sneaking a bite of my apple. He seems to think he can just come grab a bite of whatever I'm eating, whenever he wants. He doesn't like apple when I feed it to him, but he says "mmmm!" when he sneaks a bite himself.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

random mama thoughts

Lately  my head has been in a swirl. I get so inspired and have so many things I want to do but when I start trying to plan how to do them, I crash. I literally feel like puking when I get ideas rolling around in my head. My main goal right now is to be a great mom to Ole. And for the most part, I believe I'm succeeding. However, I don't want the only thing I do in life to be, being a mom. I read a quote that your child won't reach for the stars unless they see you reach for the stars yourself.

I keep hearing that the first year of your child's life is the hardest on you. I literally feel like a giving machine. I love giving to my baby and making sure that he has everything he needs and feels as much love as possible. Joe and I are in to attachment parenting. Which I believe wholeheartedly in.. However it doesn't make our life easier! Ole needs mama there for all his sleep. He won't sleep in his crib. And he won't sleep unless I'm next to him in the bed. I haven't had alone time in months! I feel it taking it's toll. I know that I need to find time for myself. But when?! I know a lot of moms use nap time as their time. But I don't have that. I also have to go to bed with Ole every night... at 7. So with taking care of him 24 hours a day, minus the 1 day a week I work, there really is no time left for me. So when I get inspired I try to smash it down. But I feel like a part of me is dying. And I know it's not healthy to crush all my dreams before they can even begin.

Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I see all these other mothers out there, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I want to be supermom. I have a hard time with this. I love to cook. I love to take care of my man, my home and my baby. But I can't keep up. I feel like as a (mostly) stay at home mom, that it's my responsibility to have dinner ready each night, and the house spotless constantly. I can't do it. And this makes me feel like a failure. I take this very personally. I don't like when I'm not the best. One of the things I love to do is cook up new recipes. With a 6 month old, I just can't. He's in to everything and wants and needs my constant attention. It's quick dinners every night and most nights Joe and I cook together while we take turns feeding Ole. I hate that I'm not making super healthy, delicious meals for our family. And I miss nurturing the cooking love inside of me. I feel like I won't ever have it together. I'm worried that Joe sees me as a failure and wonders why I'm staying home when I can't keep up.

I feel out of touch with life right now. My days are totally around the clock filled up and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it.

I want to take private viola lessons. I want to be a part of the Whatcom Symphony Orchestra. I want to cook more. I want to read more on "crunchy" lifestyle. I want to make my own beauty and cleaning products. I want to write poetry again. I want to journal again. I want to read. I want to take a nap. I want to take a bath. I want to go on dates with Joe. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to watch a movie. I want to listen to music and clean. I want to exercise. I want to sleep in and not worry that my baby needs me. I want to sleep through the night. I want to play in the sunshine. I want to cut my hair. I want, I want, I want. And this overwhelms me. I want to be present in the now, and satisfied the way things are. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out because I feel like the only thing I am anymore is "mom." 

I feel like at 7 months in I should have a hang of this mom thing. I should have it together. I should have figured out how to balance everything. But it's not coming to me. I only know how to be mom. I feel flickers of the embers of the old me burning but I snuff them out. There's no time for that now. And I wonder if there ever will be again. Or if that is all I was cut out for? I don't even have multiple children. I have one and I can't keep everything together. I know Ole is happy. So I know I am not failing him. But I do feel like I am failing at everything else. I don't know if this is the new me and the new forever. I know that changes need to be made. But I don't know where to start.