Lately my head has been in a swirl. I get so inspired and have so many things I want to do but when I start trying to plan how to do them, I crash. I literally feel like puking when I get ideas rolling around in my head. My main goal right now is to be a great mom to Ole. And for the most part, I believe I'm succeeding. However, I don't want the only thing I do in life to be, being a mom. I read a quote that your child won't reach for the stars unless they see you reach for the stars yourself.
I keep hearing that the first year of your child's life is the hardest on you. I literally feel like a giving machine. I love giving to my baby and making sure that he has everything he needs and feels as much love as possible. Joe and I are in to attachment parenting. Which I believe wholeheartedly in.. However it doesn't make our life easier! Ole needs mama there for all his sleep. He won't sleep in his crib. And he won't sleep unless I'm next to him in the bed. I haven't had alone time in months! I feel it taking it's toll. I know that I need to find time for myself. But when?! I know a lot of moms use nap time as their time. But I don't have that. I also have to go to bed with Ole every night... at 7. So with taking care of him 24 hours a day, minus the 1 day a week I work, there really is no time left for me. So when I get inspired I try to smash it down. But I feel like a part of me is dying. And I know it's not healthy to crush all my dreams before they can even begin.
Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I see all these other mothers out there, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I want to be supermom. I have a hard time with this. I love to cook. I love to take care of my man, my home and my baby. But I can't keep up. I feel like as a (mostly) stay at home mom, that it's my responsibility to have dinner ready each night, and the house spotless constantly. I can't do it. And this makes me feel like a failure. I take this very personally. I don't like when I'm not the best. One of the things I love to do is cook up new recipes. With a 6 month old, I just can't. He's in to everything and wants and needs my constant attention. It's quick dinners every night and most nights Joe and I cook together while we take turns feeding Ole. I hate that I'm not making super healthy, delicious meals for our family. And I miss nurturing the cooking love inside of me. I feel like I won't ever have it together. I'm worried that Joe sees me as a failure and wonders why I'm staying home when I can't keep up.
I feel out of touch with life right now. My days are totally around the clock filled up and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it.
I want to take private viola lessons. I want to be a part of the Whatcom Symphony Orchestra. I want to cook more. I want to read more on "crunchy" lifestyle. I want to make my own beauty and cleaning products. I want to write poetry again. I want to journal again. I want to read. I want to take a nap. I want to take a bath. I want to go on dates with Joe. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to watch a movie. I want to listen to music and clean. I want to exercise. I want to sleep in and not worry that my baby needs me. I want to sleep through the night. I want to play in the sunshine. I want to cut my hair. I want, I want, I want. And this overwhelms me. I want to be present in the now, and satisfied the way things are. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out because I feel like the only thing I am anymore is "mom."
I feel like at 7 months in I should have a hang of this mom thing. I should have it together. I should have figured out how to balance everything. But it's not coming to me. I only know how to be mom. I feel flickers of the embers of the old me burning but I snuff them out. There's no time for that now. And I wonder if there ever will be again. Or if that is all I was cut out for? I don't even have multiple children. I have one and I can't keep everything together. I know Ole is happy. So I know I am not failing him. But I do feel like I am failing at everything else. I don't know if this is the new me and the new forever. I know that changes need to be made. But I don't know where to start.