picture dump!

The past couple weeks our family has been hit by a bad cold virus! We brought Ole to the doctor last friday and he has his first upper respiratory infection. His naturopath whipped him up his first tincture and he seems a bit happier, although still coughing a ton and not sleeping great. It's been hard on the whole family. Now for some pictures!

 Snugglin' my littles when I was the only sick one.

I watched my nephew Jesse last week while my sister was at work. He's such a sweetie and is just learning to walk. Him and Ole wore me out beyond belief. I was still a bit sick, and Ole and Jesse were sick.. It was craziness. Joe said I snored that night. And I never snore! I love this picture of Ole. Shows what a dorky little ham he is.

My sister was off pretty late and Jesse dude started to get tired. I tried rocking him but he motioned for Uncle Joe to rock him. He went out within about 5 mins. It was so sweet. Sometimes you just need your Uncle Joe.

Stinker smile!

Yesterday I was going stir crazy after being in the house sick for a week. I know Ole loves getting out as much as me so we took him to the park and then the fragrance garden. He had a blast and I think the fresh air did us all good.

Feeding yourself is fun!

One of the few things that made my sick boy smile. You can see I'm not feeling too hot here either.

Ole at the doctor. I like this picture of him because he looks like such a grown up little kid playing with the little kid toys!

Ole sneaking a bite of my apple. He seems to think he can just come grab a bite of whatever I'm eating, whenever he wants. He doesn't like apple when I feed it to him, but he says "mmmm!" when he sneaks a bite himself.

random mama thoughts

Lately  my head has been in a swirl. I get so inspired and have so many things I want to do but when I start trying to plan how to do them, I crash. I literally feel like puking when I get ideas rolling around in my head. My main goal right now is to be a great mom to Ole. And for the most part, I believe I'm succeeding. However, I don't want the only thing I do in life to be, being a mom. I read a quote that your child won't reach for the stars unless they see you reach for the stars yourself.

I keep hearing that the first year of your child's life is the hardest on you. I literally feel like a giving machine. I love giving to my baby and making sure that he has everything he needs and feels as much love as possible. Joe and I are in to attachment parenting. Which I believe wholeheartedly in.. However it doesn't make our life easier! Ole needs mama there for all his sleep. He won't sleep in his crib. And he won't sleep unless I'm next to him in the bed. I haven't had alone time in months! I feel it taking it's toll. I know that I need to find time for myself. But when?! I know a lot of moms use nap time as their time. But I don't have that. I also have to go to bed with Ole every night... at 7. So with taking care of him 24 hours a day, minus the 1 day a week I work, there really is no time left for me. So when I get inspired I try to smash it down. But I feel like a part of me is dying. And I know it's not healthy to crush all my dreams before they can even begin.

Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I see all these other mothers out there, shopping, cooking, cleaning. I want to be supermom. I have a hard time with this. I love to cook. I love to take care of my man, my home and my baby. But I can't keep up. I feel like as a (mostly) stay at home mom, that it's my responsibility to have dinner ready each night, and the house spotless constantly. I can't do it. And this makes me feel like a failure. I take this very personally. I don't like when I'm not the best. One of the things I love to do is cook up new recipes. With a 6 month old, I just can't. He's in to everything and wants and needs my constant attention. It's quick dinners every night and most nights Joe and I cook together while we take turns feeding Ole. I hate that I'm not making super healthy, delicious meals for our family. And I miss nurturing the cooking love inside of me. I feel like I won't ever have it together. I'm worried that Joe sees me as a failure and wonders why I'm staying home when I can't keep up.

I feel out of touch with life right now. My days are totally around the clock filled up and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it.

I want to take private viola lessons. I want to be a part of the Whatcom Symphony Orchestra. I want to cook more. I want to read more on "crunchy" lifestyle. I want to make my own beauty and cleaning products. I want to write poetry again. I want to journal again. I want to read. I want to take a nap. I want to take a bath. I want to go on dates with Joe. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to watch a movie. I want to listen to music and clean. I want to exercise. I want to sleep in and not worry that my baby needs me. I want to sleep through the night. I want to play in the sunshine. I want to cut my hair. I want, I want, I want. And this overwhelms me. I want to be present in the now, and satisfied the way things are. I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out because I feel like the only thing I am anymore is "mom." 

I feel like at 7 months in I should have a hang of this mom thing. I should have it together. I should have figured out how to balance everything. But it's not coming to me. I only know how to be mom. I feel flickers of the embers of the old me burning but I snuff them out. There's no time for that now. And I wonder if there ever will be again. Or if that is all I was cut out for? I don't even have multiple children. I have one and I can't keep everything together. I know Ole is happy. So I know I am not failing him. But I do feel like I am failing at everything else. I don't know if this is the new me and the new forever. I know that changes need to be made. But I don't know where to start.

sad, fun and scary! oh and a birthday!

Yesterday was my 26th birthday. We joked during the day calling it my "twenty sick" birthday because I was sick all day. It actually was one of the most meaningful birthdays I've had. It was my first birthday with a family of my own! Joe and Olz took care of me all day because I felt so crappy. I mostly laid in bed and Joe brought me soup, tea, vitamins and BURRITOS! No, I am still not able to eat dairy but I found a fake cheese that gets the job done. The boys took care of me and I did some nappin' and relaxin'. It was all I wanted for my birthday. And my parents got me a kindle! Score! I had been wanting one so I am pretty excited. I still haven't gotten the chance to play with it... 

Ole is a little crawling monster. He can go forward now. Very fast. He can also climb on to things and walk along them. He is also saying "hi!" to everyone and everything. It's really cute. Two of my friends stopped by last week and Ole kept saying "hi!" to them. It's so funny. He also said "daddy" for the first time yesterday. Joe was tickling him and he was laughing and screamed "DADDYYYY!!!" It was awesome. I was very close to getting video of it. My video started RIGHT after! Here's the video:

We moved last weekend. We love our new place. It's a two bedroom, two bath apartment right in town. It sucks for having a dog in an apartment but we really love the place.. The only bad thing is that my beloved first born Zappa disappeared a day before we moved. I am devastated and heartbroken and have been out to our old house (an hour away) looking for him every day. I keep up hope that he will be there.. I think I am in denial. Zappa was my best friend. He has been there for me through the hardest times of my life. When my ex and I split up and then my Grandma passed away I would just lay in my bed so depressed I couldn't get up. Zappa would just lay on me and let me pet him. He was a crazy cat. He didn't really like anyone but me and no one really liked him except me. He had the most personality of any cat I've ever known. I feel lucky to have been his mom. Joe always said that Zappa was lucky to have found me because no one else would love him like I did. He was meant to be a wild, outdoor dude. Which he got to be for the last 2.5 years. The first year of his life was spent indoors at our old apartment. He would stalk every one in the apartment and attack. Which was awful not only because you were being attacked by a cat but you were being attacked by a huge maine coon. I knew that once he was able to be an outdoor kitty he would be a happy kitty. And he was. After he could go out he was mellow and an avid hunter. When we lived in Everson we would come home to 1-4 mice a day. Sweet little guy. I was a proud mama. Joe was disgusted but I was just proud. I knew he was in paradise. He was like a dog. He would lay on Cuba's dog bed. He would play chase with Cuba outside. He would come when you called him. He would stand on his back two feet to be pet. He would give kisses. He cracked me up. To me, there could be no better pet. Every day when we would get home he would run up to the car, tail in the air. He was a smart, happy, huge kitty. I miss him so much I can't stand it. Our new place doesn't feel like home without him. Whenever we have moved with him in the past him and Cuba have explored the new place together, chasing each other around the house, and annoying Joe and I. It just really isn't the same.

Ole seems to really like the new place. There is more room for him to crawl. He hasn't really seemed to notice we have moved. There is a workout center in our new place and I've worked out a couple times. Hoping to have a hot bod by summer! Here's Ole in the new place (don't mind my pump in the background):

Ole seems to get bigger and bigger every day. He is full of energy (literally! He doesn't like to sleep it seems!) and laughter. Last night Joe and I were talking about how much he has changed our lives in these short little 6 months and how much fun he has brought. We couldn't picture life without him. We always say too, that he was just meant for us. There is no way this kid could fit us any better. He is just so him. I don't know how else to explain it. I've never met anyone like him and I know that I won't. This boy is just Ole.

Last two pictures from our old house. 

This is my new favorite picture of him. It's so him. He's such a ham. Joe says "I can't believe he already knows how to pose. He sees a camera come out and he smiles and poses. He is definitely your kid." Ain't nothin' wrong with that!

I like this picture of us because you can see his little teeth! One thing I love about Ole is that he can be grumpy but he still smiles. Sometimes he smiles while "crying." He still fake cries and it's still hilarious and endearing to me. That probably doesn't help that I always laugh when he does it... but it's too cute.

...beyond beautiful.

 My sweet boy snuggling his sick mama on her birthday.

I think these last two pictures really show how huge my "littles" is getting. My little chunk. His 6 month check is on Wednesday and I can't wait to see what he weighs and what his height is. I think he has grown quite a bit since his last check up.

the times they are a changin'

My little boy is not so little anymore. His personality is so big and full and his little body is starting to catch up. He has 2 teeth now and can crawl. Only backwards at the moment. And he can kind of hop forward. Or scoot forward when he's on his butt. He has also started eating some solid foods. His favorite is sweet potatoes. When he eats sweet potatoes he says "mmmm!" while he's eating. It is so freaking cute. The only food he's tried so far that he hasn't liked is bananas.
His sleep is still crappy. Up every half hour-3 hours. I am in a constant state of exhaustion. I don't ever really feel "good" anymore but have gotten more used to it and know I can make it through a day. But so looking forward to the day he sleeps better... But also not believing that day will ever come.
Ole hasn't felt good the past few days from cutting his second tooth. This one seems to have taken a bigger toll on him. He growls and yells at things and bites them. It is really hurting him. He also has a little cold and that isn't helping anything. My poor littles.

 I'm blown away at how every time I update the blog he looks so much older to me. Here is the Dids in his high chair with his new bibdana. Just being cool.

 Sunday morning relaxin' on the couch.

 Just chewin' his keys.

 Joe got some more work done on his tattoo.

 Gettin' some snuggles from my grumpy teether.

 Crazy boy lookin' all cute in his diaper.

 Just loving life after being introduced to the magic that is sweet potatoes.

My new tattoo.

Fluff, fluff, fluff

I remember saying 4 months was my favorite but now it is definitely 5 months. My little guy is so active and has such a sense of humor. Joe and I were talking last night about how his personality is so much bigger then 5 months. He can be so sweet and tender and yet so wild and fun. One day I was changing him and giving him kisses and he started running his hands through my bangs. I said "Oh! Are you fluffing mama's hair?" He laughed so hard at this. It was like he knew what I meant by fluffing my hair. So he kept doing it and I'd say "ohhh fluff, fluff, fluff." And he would crack up. So now when he's a bit cranky I run his hand through my hair and say "fluff, fluff, fluff! Ohhhh fluff!" He will laugh and laugh. I just think it's so funny and cool. 
He is so shy. When we're out in public he won't talk or laugh. What really cracks me up is after we've been around other people and we leave or go to a room by ourselves he talks and talks like he's just been holding it in forever. He's been like this since he was in my tummy. He would only kick around Joe and I and my coworker Laura. (Whose voice he heard all day mon-fri).
His first tooth cut this weekend! It was very exciting! But also scary because the reason I noticed it was because it felt like glass on my nip! Real nice! Then I felt in there and it's popped just a bit. He finally let me look at it last night and you can see the whole thing but just a little has come out. I was really happy and excited but then I got sad. My baby is growing so fast! And I love that little toothless smile. It's going to be so funny to see a little tooth in there.
He had a cold this weekend too. Little runny nose and a cough. My poor little babe. 
He has a doctors appointment tomorrow because for about the past 2 months that kid does not want to sleep. He is up every half hour-2 hours at night. 2 hours is rare. One hour is the norm. I am exhausted. Joe is exhausted and I figure little Olz must be exhausted too. In the mornings I always think "I can't do another day of this." But then he smiles and it's all worth it. This mama needs more sleep though!
Joe and I just applied for another place in town. If you are reading this please pray for us! Or send good vibes! Whatever works for you! We need this place and out of our little mountain home. I have noticed the more I can get out of the house the better my mood and the less I notice my exhaustion. We can't go for walks at our house now because of how sketchy the area is. I go stir crazy. We also can't afford to go to town every day because we're an hour away and gas is pricey! We are so hoping we get this place.

 I don't mean to brag..yes I do, but my kid gets cuter every day! Here he is at my sisters house playing with the blocks she got him. He loves them!

 Still playing blocks.

 Here is my sassy, little stinker at Gramma's house. He just looks so fab in this picture. And mighty handsome. I gave him a comeover that day. RAD! 
I also think he looks so much older in this picture. Such a little boy. He looks a lot like me here too. I think anyway.

 My little ham rocking his awesome new bib-dana. He looked so badass this day. I can't stand the cute.
I forgot to say how he knows to smile for the camera. Whenever I get my phone or camera out to take a picture I say "Ole! Smiles!" and he smiles. He also loves looking at pictures and videos of himself. Joe says he's like his mom. Oops! We're cute and we know it!

Napping on me at my sisters. (Please don't ever get too big to do this Olzy!!!) Note: Big lips. Love those things.

Compassion.

Since the beginning of the year I've been trying to find my word of the year. It finally came to me! Compassion.
I feel awful saying this but compassion is something I really lack. I can get pretty wrapped up in myself and it's hard for me to consider anybody else's feelings but my own. It's terrible. So that is my word of the year! On to some pictures.

 My beautiful blue eyed boy.

Pictures

Joe got me a camera for Christmas and I have yet to upload any.. so all these pictures are still just from my phone. 

  My big lipped boy takin' a snooze.

Daddy reading "Goodnight Moon" to Ole. This book is really special to me. I loved it when I was little and my Grandma always said I would say "goodnight moon!" at night. The first time we read it to Ole he loved it so much and got so excited he started shaking. (Which I then I asked his doctor  about because it freaked us out, she said it's just a rush of adrenalin). Him loving it just makes me love it so much more. (I wonder if he'll read it to his kids?)

This picture is just too cute to me. This is Ole eating his cousin Landon's hand. Mind you, Landon is a year old. Ole is huge. He had his 4 month check on Friday and he's in the 90th percentile. Anyway, Ole has to put every thing in to his mouth. the most annoying being, my hair. I want to cut it short now because he's always yanking it and putting it in his mouth. 

Ole and Landon goin' in for a high five. They kept trying to grab each others hand and missing. It was hilarious.

Landon loved Ole. He kept putting his hands really gently on Ole's head and giggling. I would say "oh Landon! That is so nice!" and he would do it again and be so happy. He started wiggling, giggling and clapping. It was really cute. It also freaked my shy boy out. He just wanted to play with Landon's tractor. 

This is one thing that Ole does that reminds me of me. He absolutely loves having his picture taken and having videos of him made and then he likes to watch the video. It makes me laugh and smile. Little ham. My Grandma said I would always say "film me Gramma!" then the video always ends with me saying "now let me watch it." That's my little boo.

My friend Alicia and I had a girl date on Saturday. When I got home Joe had given littles a bath and put him in his jams. Ole was so tired and just let me snuggle on him. I wish he would always let me snuggle him like this!

Here's the Dids standing on his changing table thinking he's pretty cool. I LOVE this outfit that Grandma got for him. He looks so stinking cute I can't stand it. He was being silly this morning getting ready to go see Grandma. He also loves standing and held himself up for the first time this weekend. We were at my Uncle Brandon's and he grabbed on to Landon's exersauser and held himself up. He's pretty buff.

My cousin Josh had his baby girl this past weekend. Her name is Penelope and she was 7lbs. She looked so incredibly tiny to me. And so newborn. To hear her little sleep sounds reminded me of little Ole. I can't believe how fast the time goes by and that I didn't remember those little sounds he used to make already. I can't believe in 8 months he will be a year old and probably walking on his own. They grow up too fast. I want him to be my crazy, snuggle baby forever! Watching him grow so fast has really helped me to be more present with him. He changes so much in just one week. I don't want to miss anything.